Day 45

                127.6lbs! went down another pound! i am so stoked! I am starting a three day fast starting tomorrow. it will be easy for me to avoid eating since im at my papi's house (thank God.) i like the way it feels to be empty. i like how i feel hollow. When i lay awake at night becasue i can't sleep, it makes me feel good becasue i know im doing something right. i havn't done a full on three day fast in a while so i'm pretty pumped for this. I would have started today, but I was sick and had to stay home from school. My mom made me eat toast and forced down a glass of orange juice. BLAH!! My head feels like a bowling ball right now. it’s crazy. Idk if its allergies or a cold, but either way, I feel like poop. Well, my dad is looking for an agent for me. He has been really stoked about me becoming an actress ever since he discovered that I actually don’t suck at acting. I really enjoy it. I don't know why though. maybe its because I get to be someone other than me. I don't really like me. At all. Not my body anyways. Im sure that somewhere beneath all this fat, is the cool fun Kristen waiting to break out and say hello to this great big world.

 I don't know about you guys, but I have had a sort of rough beginning. I’ve fought hard to become the person that I am today, but the scars will never fully heal I don't think. Maybe one day I really will be something. Maybe ill be great and people will love me. Maybe I will have a ton of money and be rich and have all the nicest things… But deep down, I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be amazing in my own eyes. You ask the world what they think of me and you will always hear them say, “oh she’s pretty.” Or “she’s so innocent!” but they don't know me. I have so many more secrets than just anorexia. If they were to look beneath this shell, they wouldn't like what they see. That’s why I cover it up. I can’t change what happened to me. What I went through. What I put myself through. I can’t change a thing. I don't know if ill ever be able to let it go either, but eventually, it wont matter anymore.

                I wanna see my bones. I can finally feel my hip bones! Its awesome! This makes me happy. This is all that matters. I just want to be skinny. Screw my past. The future is made of bones!:] figuratively speaking anyways lol. I’m glad I have your guys’ stories and posts and blogs. It really does help me out:] I love u girls! Stay strong! Don't give up! i'll keep you updated on my fast this weekend:)