Day 44

                128.0lbs! 128.0lbs! oh yeah! I am sooo happy! Yet, I am so angry with myself at the same time! Yesterday I ate like 3 apple slices. And that's it. I didn't eat anything on Tuesday and yeah…….. today is Thursday and I was doing so good today… but I consumed 800 calories today:[ why? Why? Why? I was at my lowest weight! Ugh! Im so weak!:[ my stomach feels all stretchy and it hurts so bad:[ serves me right. I need to go purge. But idk where to do it without my parents knowing. Idk if id be able to get it out! Ugh! I need purging advice! Please! Idk why but no matter what I do, it seems like I just can’t make myself puke!!!:[ it shouldn't be that hard. Well if anybody has any advice for me there, jus let me know. *sigh… well the good news is that I don't have to eat tomorrow. I’m going to my dads so it'll be easy to fast. I wonder how long I can last without eating…? Hmm… well, if Alexis comes over, we can just hang out and I’ll keep my mind off of food (fat) and I will be just fine:] then let me see… Sunday… no breakfast of course… and I could easily play wow all day and tell my dad that I don't feel good. Then I could go home to my moms and tell her I already ate. Yes. A three day fast. That's what I need. That is definitely what I need.  My fast starts tomorrow. I’ll go for a run in the morning with Kyran again. I ran again this morning, and I don't know why, but it was so hard for me to run it. I really don't know why but I was breathing so hard and my chest and lungs hurt so bad. When just the other day it was fine. HOLY CRAP! Ugh! I am so distracted by my binge that I can't even type. I don't even know what I was going to say because Im just so angry with myself! Ugh! Does anybody else ever get this way? You know what? Next time you get hungry or somebody holds something in your face that looks good and you really want it, think of me. Think about how much I struggle with this and how much crap I go through and how horrible I feel and then ask yourself, “do I want to feel like her?” that should help you. God I am such a fat cow! I hate myself I swear! Sometimes I just wish I could take a knife and cut out all my fat. I want to see my bones. That's what I want. I WILL get there.

                That was a long one lol wow. Well, I really need to go. I’m exhausted too. I couldn't sleep last night. I love you guys! Stay strong for me!

 sorry its taken me so long to make a new post. I dont have internet at my mom's :/