Day 32

It’s been two weeks… two weeks since I last updated this. I haven’t updated because I have a confession to make. I’ve been eating. A lot. I’m at 134.8 now… :’( I really don't like this. I don't even know why I’m so weak. Two weeks. Two weeks I have been struggling. Trying to keep my gluttonous mouth shut. It's so hard when my mom keeps watching me! It's hard when Sarah keeps offering me parts of her lunch! It's so hard to be strong and I let it get to me. I can't believe I let it get to me. I was finally down to my lowest weight too. I was down to 131.8. I was there. I was almost into the twenties. Why did I give up? Why did I give in? Well I have to go wash dishes right now. Tonight I need no, scratch that, I WILL do crunches. A lot of crunches. I will do at least a hundred crunches. Then I will not eat tomorrow. Unless my mom forces me to. Again. Ugh I hate it when she makes me eat. I complain too much. I’m scared that I’m not strong enough anymore. I know that's not the case. All it is is that I got used to eating food and I like it. I HATE eating food. See what it does to you? You start going crazy. Thinking that you love to eat. Food is gross. I hate food. I hate eating. The food wants me to think that I like to eat. The food wants me to think that all hope is lost now. I know better. I know it’s not over yet. I am the one in control, NOT my body, and defiantly NOT food. It’s laughing at me now, but we’ll see who’s gonna be laughing tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m not going to eat. We are going on a trip so dinner won’t be at home looking me in the face. Tomorrow, I will tackle the day one meal at a time. Breakfast is an easy no. Lunch is the hard part, but I will have to be strong anyways. Did I tell you that in my Spanish class I have to learn about food? Ewe! And first thing in the morning too! Aaaaah! Help me!!! I will be strong. I am strong. I did it once, I can do it again. I just have to stop eating. That's all. It's actually not as bad as I make it out to be. It never is.  Tomorrow, I’ll be on top of the world. I will be floating above it. My weightless, un-bloated, perfect, empty stomach will carry me off like a balloon. You’ll all see. Stay strong girls. Trust me; it’s not worth it to give up. Stick with it. I love you!!