Fast day 1

Today, I did awesome. For breakfast, it was easy to skip, because I normally don't eat anyways. At lunch time, we had to go to a birthday party. I thought at first that this would be the end of my good streak, but it wasn't.  Usually our family will sit around the table and eat all together. They did this time, while I played my uncles guitar:] sneaky decoy, I know. I played music and sang songs. Then I made sure I was walking in and out of the house, where all the food was so that I could lie and say I was grabbing stuff to munch on as I passed by. It worked perfectly:] I drank a coke zero when I got home to congratulate myself on being a very good girl:] My cousin Alexis is here spending the night with me which is why it took me so long to post this. She’s been eating candy right in front of me. She even offered me some of it! I told her that I was still full from the party and candy would make me want to puke. (That last part was true lol) Then she got hungry so I took her downstairs and she made peanut butter sandwich with bananas. AAAAH!!! My worst enemy! I swear if that thing had lips, it would have been taunting me. I was strong though, I didn’t make myself one. I didn't even lick the peanut butter off of my fingers. I flipped that sandwich off and said nice try. (I actually did this. Don’t judge, it really does help me…) She ate it and drank chocolate milk. Nope, I didn't even take a sip:] There’s no way I’m messing this up this time. I have come too far to screw up now. We’re sitting in my room now. My nose is all stuffy and runny and gross so I’m pretty miserable. But at the same time, today’s success is making me so happy:] I have never been this strong before:]

 So keep this in mind girls, no matter how hard it is now, no matter how much you struggle, don’t give up. Cry a few tears if you have to, or flip off the food if it helps you! (lol) Do whatever it takes. You will succeed as long as you keep trying. Don’t give up. You’ll make it:] the only one who can stop you is you. But you can do this. If I can do it, I know you can too:] love u guys! Stay strong! <3

heres some of my favorites:]

hope you find them as helpful as i do!:]

                            

3 Day Fast Kickoff!!!

Okay so as you guys already know, I am starting a three day fast today. It should be midnight by the time I publish this post, so that means Day 1 has already begun. Right now I am wide awake. I’m actually really excited. I know that I will really lose a good amount of weight with this. Soo heres my rules:

1.)    No food allowed near your lips! Don't smell, taste, touch, stare at, or even think about food! Its NOT worth it! the more you think about it, the more the temptation will get to you!

2.)    Zero calorie drinks are allowed. This includes: water, sobe life water, coca cola zero, pepsi max, and 0 calorie flavoring packs to flavor your water.

3.)    If you really need to curb your hunger, eat a zero calorie pack of water flavoring. It really does help. It can be sour and bitter though, so watch out!

4.)    Drink a ton of water. You will have to pee more often though, so consider yourself warned.

5.)    Avoid trips into the kitchen. Avoid the fridge like it is the plague

6.)    Remember that in order to be thin, you HAVE to do this. Remind yourself that there is no other way, otherwise, you could talk yourself out of your fast and ruin all of your progress

7.)    Workout whenever you can. When you are fasting, your energy will be zapped and passing out is a common side effect with heavy working out. Don’t freak, if this happens, take a break.

8.)    It’s important to keep yourself from being bored, so go for walks as often as you can. This also helps you burn calories.

9.)    Hang out with your friends as often as you can. This will heighten your morale.

10.) Stay strong! Remember that you are in control and you can do this!

If anyone wants to fast with me, be my guest:) I can keep you posted on my progress throughout the whole fast. I’ll be on the computer all weekend and on Monday night. I’ll help as best I can and it always helps to have someone to lean on. You are not alone! :) if u don't wanna fast with me, that’s cool too. I still love you! Anyways, I really don't have anything else to say right now, and I need to go to bed soon. I’m really not tired though… soooooooooo here’s some thinspo :) I spent most of the night looking for some good ones to help with my fast. I hope this helps you guys too!! :]  

Later Day 45

                I hate it when I’m bored, I caught myself walking into the kitchen. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I I was holding  a gallon of chocolate milk in my hand with the fridge door hanging wide open. I was all like “wooooooooaaaaahhhhh! Nooooooo!” I put it back and then jumped on this thing. I swear, boredom is my worst enemy. The bad thing is, I already ate today. (against my will, but still, I ate.) I shouldn’t be hungry. My tummy shrunk:) so usually, when I eat, after about an hour, I feel normal. I really don’t like to feel normal, id rather be empty but hey, I can’t complain, at least it wasn't a binge right? *sigh… I’m kind of rambling so if you don't want to read this post, that’s cool. But I have some awesomefulwonderfulbeautifulhalarious news! This girl, who absolutely despises me, acknowleged that I was losing weight:) she hates my guts. But that's okay, because I’m not particularly fond her either. She was talking to my brother I guess, and asked him if I was losing weight. Kyran, my brother, said yes, that I was doing really good and was looking great (i luv my bubby:) sometimes) then she was all like “well shes just doing it to get boys attention and she’s such a bitch and blah blah blah…”  she’s jealous! Oh yeah! Stick that in your juice box and SUCK it Raquel! Haha! I’m so mean sometimes >:] muahahaha! I prefer to call it feisty.  

                Speaking of my brothers, did u guys know that I have eight of them?? yup yup, I do. Two of them are younger than me and they annoy the living crap out of me. I swear sometimes they make me want to punch myself in the face. Or cripple an orphan. Punch a baby. Ugh. Yeah, they’re that bad! I swear! They just uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! Anywaaaaaaaaaaays, I also have a sister, but I havn’t seen her since I was…. Like 5 I think? I wonder how shes doing and what she looks like. I wonder if she looks like me… leme see… Well, im bored still. I’m writing a song. Maybe sometime soon, I can upload the vid of me singing it. I still have a few things I want to change about it though. Sorry, that’s the ocd kicking in. all my songs and poems and writing and just everything has to be perfect. (that's ironic considering that I am the most imperfect person you will ever meet!) Actually that's a good idea! Omg Kristen you are a genius sometimes I swear! (u aren’t the best speller but u hav ur moments) I am going to finish it and then ima attempt to record it. if my voice will work with me, ill upload it!:) luv  u guys! Ill ttyl! Stay strong! So whatever it takes!

Day 45

                127.6lbs! went down another pound! i am so stoked! I am starting a three day fast starting tomorrow. it will be easy for me to avoid eating since im at my papi's house (thank God.) i like the way it feels to be empty. i like how i feel hollow. When i lay awake at night becasue i can't sleep, it makes me feel good becasue i know im doing something right. i havn't done a full on three day fast in a while so i'm pretty pumped for this. I would have started today, but I was sick and had to stay home from school. My mom made me eat toast and forced down a glass of orange juice. BLAH!! My head feels like a bowling ball right now. it’s crazy. Idk if its allergies or a cold, but either way, I feel like poop. Well, my dad is looking for an agent for me. He has been really stoked about me becoming an actress ever since he discovered that I actually don’t suck at acting. I really enjoy it. I don't know why though. maybe its because I get to be someone other than me. I don't really like me. At all. Not my body anyways. Im sure that somewhere beneath all this fat, is the cool fun Kristen waiting to break out and say hello to this great big world.

 I don't know about you guys, but I have had a sort of rough beginning. I’ve fought hard to become the person that I am today, but the scars will never fully heal I don't think. Maybe one day I really will be something. Maybe ill be great and people will love me. Maybe I will have a ton of money and be rich and have all the nicest things… But deep down, I want to like what I see in the mirror. I want to be amazing in my own eyes. You ask the world what they think of me and you will always hear them say, “oh she’s pretty.” Or “she’s so innocent!” but they don't know me. I have so many more secrets than just anorexia. If they were to look beneath this shell, they wouldn't like what they see. That’s why I cover it up. I can’t change what happened to me. What I went through. What I put myself through. I can’t change a thing. I don't know if ill ever be able to let it go either, but eventually, it wont matter anymore.

                I wanna see my bones. I can finally feel my hip bones! Its awesome! This makes me happy. This is all that matters. I just want to be skinny. Screw my past. The future is made of bones!:] figuratively speaking anyways lol. I’m glad I have your guys’ stories and posts and blogs. It really does help me out:] I love u girls! Stay strong! Don't give up! i'll keep you updated on my fast this weekend:)

Day 44

                128.0lbs! 128.0lbs! oh yeah! I am sooo happy! Yet, I am so angry with myself at the same time! Yesterday I ate like 3 apple slices. And that's it. I didn't eat anything on Tuesday and yeah…….. today is Thursday and I was doing so good today… but I consumed 800 calories today:[ why? Why? Why? I was at my lowest weight! Ugh! Im so weak!:[ my stomach feels all stretchy and it hurts so bad:[ serves me right. I need to go purge. But idk where to do it without my parents knowing. Idk if id be able to get it out! Ugh! I need purging advice! Please! Idk why but no matter what I do, it seems like I just can’t make myself puke!!!:[ it shouldn't be that hard. Well if anybody has any advice for me there, jus let me know. *sigh… well the good news is that I don't have to eat tomorrow. I’m going to my dads so it'll be easy to fast. I wonder how long I can last without eating…? Hmm… well, if Alexis comes over, we can just hang out and I’ll keep my mind off of food (fat) and I will be just fine:] then let me see… Sunday… no breakfast of course… and I could easily play wow all day and tell my dad that I don't feel good. Then I could go home to my moms and tell her I already ate. Yes. A three day fast. That's what I need. That is definitely what I need.  My fast starts tomorrow. I’ll go for a run in the morning with Kyran again. I ran again this morning, and I don't know why, but it was so hard for me to run it. I really don't know why but I was breathing so hard and my chest and lungs hurt so bad. When just the other day it was fine. HOLY CRAP! Ugh! I am so distracted by my binge that I can't even type. I don't even know what I was going to say because Im just so angry with myself! Ugh! Does anybody else ever get this way? You know what? Next time you get hungry or somebody holds something in your face that looks good and you really want it, think of me. Think about how much I struggle with this and how much crap I go through and how horrible I feel and then ask yourself, “do I want to feel like her?” that should help you. God I am such a fat cow! I hate myself I swear! Sometimes I just wish I could take a knife and cut out all my fat. I want to see my bones. That's what I want. I WILL get there.

                That was a long one lol wow. Well, I really need to go. I’m exhausted too. I couldn't sleep last night. I love you guys! Stay strong for me!

 sorry its taken me so long to make a new post. I dont have internet at my mom's :/

Day 41

Day 41

                Ha! I went for a run this morning again and did amazing! I was so worried that it would be soooo hard like yesterday and Friday, but it wasn’t. I ran it and at the end I actually felt… good, like I could run some more. I want to get to the point though, that I feel empty again. After yesterday, I just feel so awful. I can’t believe I ate all that food. All that unhealthy food… However, yesterday is in the past. I ran hard last night to punish myself. Today my plan is to eat nothing. I go to my dad’s today so getting away from lunch and dinner is a piece of cake because of school. Going to dad’s makes it easy for me to fast too because all I have to do is tell my mom that I’m eating at dad’s and tell dad that I’m eating at mom’s. All I have to do is stay strong. I was doing so well too. Maybe I’ve gotten so weak because of the way things changed…

                I met this guy at a get together with some friends and we kind of hit it off I guess. I mean, I really liked him and I know he really liked me but we really didn't start to know each other that well until we started texting. Now, usually I am not all for text relationships, but he lives pretty far away. Well, we texted for a week and then he ended up going to jail. (Don’t judge, please.) I miss him so much. He’s been gone for almost a month now. He has five more to go though. He wanted me to wait for him to get out, which, honestly, isn’t that hard for three reasons.

1.       I have school to keep me busy

2.       It gives me more time to lose weight for when he gets back

3.       I might be starting an acting career soon so I’ll be pretty busy

I’ll tell you more about the acting career later. Right now, I have to go to school lol so I’ll talk to you later:] stay strong! :]

Btw, heres some thinspo for u guys!

my goal!

Day 40

Day 40

                Today, I started the day off with an empty tummy. Then, afterwards, my parents wanted to go out to Arby’s for mother’s day lunch. I ate 5 chicken strips and 5 onion rings. Awful, I know, but my mom made me eat it.  I drank a diet Dr. Pepper with it. I left the restaurant feeling fat and miserable. After that, all I drank was a coke zero. It is so hard to stay away from my mom’s watchful glare. >:[ I swear, parents can be our worst nightmares. Well, lucky for me, my parents went out to Wal-Mart to shop for lord knows what. So I took advantage of that situation:] I ran a mile. After that I did two hundred reps of abs workouts. My legs feel like jell-o and my abs feel normal, of course. They never hurt. Grr… lol well anyways, I have a confession to make. I’ve never been one to work out. In fact I’ve always hated working out. I get really impatient though, when it comes to losing weight. I always want to see results immediately. Losing weight takes time. Well, losing inches takes time. A way to speed it up is to workout.

I HAVE AN AWESOME WORKOUT THAT WILL MAKE UR LOVE HANDLES SHRINK UP LIKE LITTLE MELTING ICE CICLES! U WANNA’ KNOW WHAT THAT IS? ALRIGHT ILL SHARE MY SECRET WITH YOU:]

                                All you need is 2, 10 pound dumbbells.

                                                Stand straight up with your feet hip width apart. Have a dumbbell in each hand and hanging at your side. Now, lean to the left, tracing the side of your leg until your weight goes to or past your knee. Then, bend back upright. Repeat this to the other side. Now, all you have to do is keep repeating this over and over and over, as many times as you want. You should feel your oblique muscles working immediately. WARNING: after your first workout, you should feel it in the morning. It works though. So stay strong:] love you all!

 

Day 39

                Life sometimes throws us curveballs. Today didn't go as planned at all. This morning, we went to a restaurant for breakfast. I had a veggie omelet… I don't even want to know how many calories were in that. After that, I skipped lunch and breakfast. I weighed myself tonight and I’m at 130.0 so I’m not too far from 129lbs. I wish I wouldn't have eaten today. Ugh! I feel so guilty! Gosh… well, I guess I kind of wish I could close my eyes and make all of the food in my house disappear. I can't though. It’s difficult to walk past my brother when he’s leaning against the counter eating crescent rolls, bread, chips, cookies… all that junk. I have to walk past him every time I go to my room. All those people out there with a high metabolism better be counting their blessings! *sigh… I’m tired. I really need to go to bed. I’m sorry if I’m not very uppity today. Anyways, stay strong ladies! Here’s your thinspo for the day:   

               

Day 38

Day 38

It’s 6:27am and I just got back from my run or jog or whatever you want to call it. I made it guys! I ran the whole way. Yes, it was probably only a mile, but that's a big deal for me! I can hardly run ten feet before my bodies like, “okay that’s enough.” I didn't give up though. I remember at some point, my lungs felt like they would explode if I didn't quit soon and I was only halfway through. I told myself, “You better not quit! I said, do it for all the people who think you're fat. Do it for all the guys who have ever teased you. Do it for all those girls at your old school who made fun of you and gave you dirty looks. Do it for the clothes at the mall that you just really want to wear. Do it for the bikini this summer in your pool. Do it because your grandma will stop saying you need to lose weight. Do it because maybe you can actually be a model or an actress like you wanted. Do it because nobody wants to see your butt crack hanging out of your pants when you sit down. Do it because you don't want to be pulling your pants up all the time. Do it because if you don't, you will regret it. You have wanted this for as long as you remember. If you quit now, you will always quit. If you quit, you will never change. If you quit, you lost the fight again. Don't quit.” And then, by the end of that, I was finally close to being home. I saw the driveway and I made my mind go blank. Before I knew it, my feet were on the gravel!

So guys, I hate running. Quite frankly it kills, but if you give up halfway through, what do you have to prove? That you can quit? Yes, it’s hard. Set goals for yourself. Go early in the morning when it’s still dark that way you can't see how far you’ve run. (Plus it plays some really cool tricks on your eyes.) Trust me, try. If you quit, do it again. If you keep quitting at the same spot, then do it again and again and again until you can go farther. Just don't give up for good.

Okay, well running was only half the battle. When I got out of the shower this morning, my brothers were eating toast with cinnamon and sugar and chocolate rice crispy treats… My brain immediately was like, “well… I did just run… maybe…” And I just stopped thinking that. I breathed through my mouth because the smell is what triggers me when it comes to food. If you can’t smell, you can't taste. (So if you have to eat, eat with your nose “plugged.” That ensures that you can't taste your food. It helps.) Then I ran to the bathroom. I was not about to spoil what I had worked so hard to accomplish this morning. I opened the cabinet to get my hairbrush and low and behold, CREST toothpaste in all its shining glory!! I glopped that crap on my toothbrush and went right to work scrubbing my gross, fuzzy morning teeth. After that, it was waaaay easier to walk through the kitchen. And now, I have never been prouder of myself. I feel great with an empty tummy and sore legs. It proves I am stronger than by body and mind thought. SO HAHA ON THEM!!

Lol anyways, I have to go. School is going to start soon. I’ll talk to you guys later. BYE SISTERS!!! LOVE YOU ALL! STAY STRONG!!!!

Later… Day 38

                Well we went shopping tonight. We walked around for like five hours. It felt awesome. :) I drank coke zero. Remember, carbs and sugars are just as dangerous as cals. They'll get you every time. But I ate squash and a half cup of rice for dinner. Tomorrow, ill probably eat a mushroom and cook some other things too, but ill just throw them out. But they have to see me eat something. I have a whole coke zero for tomorrow too. I need to invest in more of those because nothing makes my hunger go away faster than bubbly soft drinks. Coke zero, will you marry me?? Haha, well I figured out that making plan ahead of time helps me to succeed the nest day so here’s how tomorrow is going to go.

                9:30am wake up

                10:00am 1 cup of coffee, black                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

                10:45am brush teeth and get dressed and make my bed

                11:20am go outside. Remain outside until you go to Fort Wayne

                1:00pm shop around and drink coke zero if the parents make you go out to eat. Get a salad. Eat it dry with nothing added.

                3:00pm get home and blog

                3:20pm go outside and run

                3:50pm come inside and stretch and watch a movie (miss congeniality :))

                5:30pm if dinner is ready eat a salad (15), add a mushroom all cut up (?). Eat dry.

                6:00pm help mom clean the kitchen and house

                7:00pm play guitar, work on music, and human video

                8:00pm if we end up going to the movie theatre, drink diet coke (if coke zero isn’t available) and DO NOT eat popcorn

                10:00pm? Come home and go straight to bed

                By following this plan, I am controlling every action I do at every time. It makes me feel organized too, plus I don’t screw up as easily as I would if I was winging it. I want to b thin. Until then, I will be strong. I love you guys! :) stay strong! Goodnight!

 thinspo for today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 37

129.0lbs!!!!!! 129.0!!!! I haven’t weighed this much since like 5^th grade!!!! Wow! I am so excited. Sure, I still look like a cow but the numbers are telling me to stick with it. I am going for a jog in the morning with my older brother tomorrow. We are going to do this every day before school :) Even though I have that good news, it is so hard to stay inspirited. I have no idea why that is. If you guys could help me out, send quotes, pics, thinspo, anything that motivates you, I’d really appreciate it! Tips, tricks, anything from the veterans who are doing so much better than I am! Words of encouragement always help too! Plus, I will return the favor of course!:) if you want my email, it is : alcalakcherry22@yahoo.com . Thanks for everything guys! Stay strong! Love you all! Btw here are some pics of meeee that way you guys can watch my progress! Oh and btw, the cherries thing on my yahoo is because idk I’m obsessed with cherry patterns and decorations and stuff. Idk they just look so perfect and cute and yeah :) so not to weird anyone out by that, but yeah :)

 Here’s some thinsparation that inspired me the most:

Day 32

It’s been two weeks… two weeks since I last updated this. I haven’t updated because I have a confession to make. I’ve been eating. A lot. I’m at 134.8 now… :’( I really don't like this. I don't even know why I’m so weak. Two weeks. Two weeks I have been struggling. Trying to keep my gluttonous mouth shut. It's so hard when my mom keeps watching me! It's hard when Sarah keeps offering me parts of her lunch! It's so hard to be strong and I let it get to me. I can't believe I let it get to me. I was finally down to my lowest weight too. I was down to 131.8. I was there. I was almost into the twenties. Why did I give up? Why did I give in? Well I have to go wash dishes right now. Tonight I need no, scratch that, I WILL do crunches. A lot of crunches. I will do at least a hundred crunches. Then I will not eat tomorrow. Unless my mom forces me to. Again. Ugh I hate it when she makes me eat. I complain too much. I’m scared that I’m not strong enough anymore. I know that's not the case. All it is is that I got used to eating food and I like it. I HATE eating food. See what it does to you? You start going crazy. Thinking that you love to eat. Food is gross. I hate food. I hate eating. The food wants me to think that I like to eat. The food wants me to think that all hope is lost now. I know better. I know it’s not over yet. I am the one in control, NOT my body, and defiantly NOT food. It’s laughing at me now, but we’ll see who’s gonna be laughing tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I’m not going to eat. We are going on a trip so dinner won’t be at home looking me in the face. Tomorrow, I will tackle the day one meal at a time. Breakfast is an easy no. Lunch is the hard part, but I will have to be strong anyways. Did I tell you that in my Spanish class I have to learn about food? Ewe! And first thing in the morning too! Aaaaah! Help me!!! I will be strong. I am strong. I did it once, I can do it again. I just have to stop eating. That's all. It's actually not as bad as I make it out to be. It never is.  Tomorrow, I’ll be on top of the world. I will be floating above it. My weightless, un-bloated, perfect, empty stomach will carry me off like a balloon. You’ll all see. Stay strong girls. Trust me; it’s not worth it to give up. Stick with it. I love you!!

Day 18

Today I have fasted all day, until dinner time. I have to eat lasagna (400) and garlic bread (180) yuck. That is only one serving. I absolutely love lasagna so it will be really hard not to binge. I have a plan though. In order to avoid disaster, I have to make a plan and force myself to follow through, even if my mouth, tongue, and stomach, don't want to agree. I am in control, not my body.  Tonight I will consume a block of lasagna and a piece of garlic bread (580). I will NOT eat ANYTHING else. Then, since I am going to my dad’s house, I will fast all weekend. I will prepare for this weekend by going online and finding out which Chinese foods have the lowest calorie counts because we almost always go out to Chinese. I will not eat any meat. I will drink only water. I won’t even actually eat. I will chop up my food really tiny, push it around my plate, chew the tiny bites a little tiny bit at a time, and will claim that I am full. If we do not eat out, I will dump the food in the trash. On Sunday, if we have a Sunday meal, I will do the same thing as at the Chinese restaurant. I will be strong. I will also keep up on everything this weekend since I will be at my dad’s. When I’m not at my dad’s I don't have the internet so I can’t update my blog. I’m sorry sistersL

Oh yeah and before I go fork down nasty food (of which I absolutely hate!) I have to tell you If I stayed strong or not. I’m sorry I couldn't update yesterday’s success but I had to go to bed, my mom was mad. I was absolutely successful. My calorie count for the day was 1. Yes, 1. Now I weigh 133.6lbs! 3 more pounds and I will finally have reached goal number four! I have to go now, ill report more later on tonight. STAY STRONG GIRLS! 

Day 16

Today I am strong. Waking up early sucked, but once I got some coffee in my system, I was okay (Black coffee, of course). I’m getting sick of black coffee. I decided that tomorrow I will just bring a water bottle and fill it up. Water tastes better than coffee. All I ate today was salad, (15) inside pita bread (60). Today’s total is 75 calories. I weigh 135.2 lbs.  I have finally reached goal number three. Goal number four is: 130.0 lbs. I need to stay strong tomorrow. I really need to stay strong especially on Thursdays and Fridays because those are the days that I will HAVE to eat. If I play my cards right, I won’t have to eat at my dad’s house. I have to be strong enough to look food right in the face and say NO! My stomach is killing me, it’s making me hunch over while I type this because I can’t sit up straight. I LOVE IT! It's been forever since my stomach has felt this empty, this strong. What made me break down the first time was the horrible feeling I got one morning. I couldn't breathe and I felt dizzy. Next time, I’ll just have to fight through it. It will pass once I wake up, I’m sure.

Tomorrow holds its own challenges. When I feel strong on days like today, I make plans. I say things like: tomorrow I won’t eat anything at all. The next day I eat like a freaking pig! It makes me so mad that one day, it is so easy, and then the next day, it is so hard. It is only at the end of the day that I feel like I’ve accomplished anything. If I have gone all day without eating, I am so proud of myself. Sometimes it is hard for me to remember that the hunger pains will come back. This is my cure for hunger pains: water and lots of it.

Oh crap, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do 200 crunches. No, I have to go do 500 crunches. If I was strong enough, I’ll let you know about my good news tomorrow. Goodnight my sisters. Stay strong. I love you all!  

Day 14

Today was Easter so it was hard not to eat with my mom making all this food? But I have some good news. Tomorrow, I go to my dad’s house. So if I play my cards right, I can go without eating all day. THEN on Tuesday, we have band practice right after school so if I do the same thing I did before, I can go another full day without eating. And Wednesday is a given. This will be my first attempt at a three day fast. I wonder how much weight I will lose in three days. Only one day to find out I guess.

It's a constant struggle, anorexia. Some days I am strong enough to overcome the temptations. Most days I can’t stop myself. I want to be skinny. I found out that Josh Warnkin likes Taylor. He says she’s hot. I know why. Taylor has an amazing body. When I am skinny, I want to wear shirts that kind of come up to reveal just a tiny bit of my perfectly flat stomach. I will be sexy. I can’t wait. But as quoted from thinsparation: sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. Nothing is as good as skinny is.

                                                                                                                      

I Finally got a Blog!

Starting Now!

Name: Kristen

Age: 16

Height: 5’4”

Weight: 141.0lbs

Goal: 105.0lbs

My name is Kristen and I am a bit shy, temperamental at times, but friends with everyone. I have been told that I’m too nice to ever say anything mean to anyone. My friends call me the innocent, sweet one. But, I have a secret. I am an anorexic and ultimately striving for this little thing called perfection. I’ve only been doing this seriously for about 12 days, but I’ve been alone. I am a writer and I figured that blogging would b a good idea. Btw if u r recovering, don’t read this, I guarantee u it will trigger you. If you are trying to recover, then I fully support you. You are stronger than the rest of us r. Keep up the progress:]

The Journey

Day 12

(If this first part seems weird, don't worry about it. I was feeling poetic today. The rest aren’t this weird.)

I don't remember the first time that I looked in the mirror and saw a fat blob. I don't know when my body started spiraling out of control. I suppose the blame falls to me. I couldn't control my own body. I couldn't control my mouth. For years, I shoveled food in with little regard to how it might cling to my hips, stomach, thighs… Now, I can’t stop obsessing over the numbers.

                            NUMBERS.

                                                  141.0

                                                            140.8                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       1

                                                                         138.7

                                                                                      137.4

                                                                                                  136.6

                                                                                                            140.0

Numbers are everything now. Control is my friend, my needs are my enemy. The scale is my friend when he shows me that the numbers are decreasing, but when the numbers go up, I hate him. He tells me it’s my fault. I say I know. Restrict. Restrict. Restrict. Start over. Control. You are the boss. You don't need it. You never needed it. Think. Hunger works. When the numbers go up when I think I’ve finally done something right, I want to give up, but I can’t. I can't see the numbers. I can’t bear the sight of the rolls of fat that are too stubborn to do what I tell them to do. They can only be removed by force…

My body is playing tricks on me again. This morning, I weighed 136.6 but now, the scale said I weigh 140.0. One hundred and forty pounds. I ate less today than I did yesterday. How did it happen? What did I do wrong? I’m gaining water weight, and I try to blame it on TOM, but every time I look in the mirror, I can’t bear the sight. What if it doesn't go away? How do I make it go away? How do I keep my mom from forcing me to shovel food down my throat?

I’m comfortable and strong and confident when my stomach is tight and hollow. When I’m full, I worry. Bread is my worst enemy. It sits out on the counter inviting me to take a bite, just one bite. If I take one bite, I’ll take a thousand bites, so I don't take any at all. My mom asks me if I ate. I say yes. She wants to know what I ate. I tell her I ate a salad and bread. She doesn't believe me. She tells me to eat more. I took one muffin. She watched me eat it all. She’s finally happy. I’m dying inside. I was doing so well… I run outside, behind the shed and shove a finger down my throat. Nothing comes out. I’m shaking because I absolutely hate puking. I can’t do it. WEAK, YOU’RE WEAK! JUST DO IT! WHY CAN’T YOU DO IT? I finally give up. I go back inside, ready to cry. Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will eat only a salad (15cals) for lunch and for dinner. (Total= 30cals) I drink water but it’s no use. The damage has been done. I munch on celery because it will burn calories, but I can’t chew it. I lay down to do sit ups, but I am too depressed to pull my body up. I have to stop being weak. It is day… 12. HELP.